Lockout & The Lost Remote Control

Lockout (2012)

Starring: Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace, Peter Stormare

Why I even bother pressing play anymore is beyond my comprehension. Ever start watching a movie and halfway through you say "What in the hell am I watching?" Yup. That's what happened here. 

Some ex-government agent, who was wrongly convicted of espionage against the US, has to go to outer space to rescue the president's daughter from a prison that's now being controlled by the inmates. I love science fiction. As long as it's good. And the graphics are decent. My eyes glazed over through most of it. I was planning on giving up on it all together, but I lost the remote control somehow. Almost like the universe telling me "You started this dumb blog, now follow through with your commitment to watch atrocious movies". Thanks, Universe... If I was Chuck Norris I'd punch you in the balls. I can't even think of more to say. I'm hoping I'll forget all about watching this in a few days.

Cause... cause it just is. Move along.

Tamara: Greasy Duckling

Tamara (2005)

Starring Jenna Dewan, Matthew Marsden, Katie Stuart

An unattractive Mrs. Channing Tatum is picked on by students because she wrote some article in the school paper about a team using steroids. She's made unattractive by greasing up her hair and making her slouch with clothes you find on Grandma's in the days of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Anyway, Tamara is in love with her teacher so she tries a love spell binding them together. Some jerks make like they're the teacher and lure her to a hotel room and record her in bed waiting for said teacher who is obviously not going to show. There's a struggle, she hits her head on a table and she's dead.

The group of douchebags bury her and move on. One day, Tamara shows up at school with washed hair, red lipstick, a miniskirt, and her white tee low enough to show her bra. The witchiness starts, she controlls all the people who terrorized her thanks to her dabble in witchcraft. An ear being cut off, tongue cut off, stabbed in the eyeball, one dude raping another dude... and then they all die bloody deaths.

I already spent too much time explaining this. Yes, this was a horror movie. I was horrified that I actually watched it to the end. The plot is weak at best. It was like they were trying to make a movie similar to Carrie but had no earthly clue on how to go about doing it. I... I just... just don't watch it unless you're so drunk you won't remember how you wasted your night on this tragedy the next day.

 ...because it's a scale of 1-5.

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence): It's Like the Ending of Dallas and Lost.. Only Nauseating.

The Human Centipede (Full Sequence) (2011)

Starring Laurence R. Harvey, Vivien Bridson, Bill Hutchens, and 12 people stapled together ass to mouth

Why anyone willingly signs on to do these films is beyond me. If it wasn't for this blog I wouldn't even have bothered watching this garbage. I've read others reviews and some actually think this is not a bad piece of work, but rather a deep one. I don't give a shit how much you can read into this sequel, it is sick, twisted, and quite dull at the same time.

The lead character is a little man who never speaks a word in the entire 88 minutes. He is utterly obsessed with his favorite movie, The Human Centipede (First Sequence) and takes notes so he can make a 12-person human centipede of his own. He works at a creepy garage where he shoots, blugeons, and kidnaps people to store at his warehouse.

His mother is a piece of work too. He walks in his room, turns on the light, and we catch her stabbing his bed. Shortly thereafter, he sticks her face into his pet centipedes tank and then smashes her skull in with a tire iron, sets her at the kitchen table, and eats a meal.

Frankly, it's just one thing after another. Eventually the ass to mouth starts again. Taking a hammer to one dudes mouth and knocking out his teeth was almost the last straw for my watching capabilities. But I already invested 57 minutes so...

If you thought the first one was disgusting, you'll realize that it was nothing compared to this. This sick son of a bitch doesn't even sew them ass to mouth - he uses a stable gun. He also injects each of them with a laxative and then presses their bellies so they'll start having bowel movements... and that's when the shit going everywhere happens. And I mean that literally. They were so meticulous about details that shit was splattering the camera, just bursting out the sides of their stapled mouths.

I'm truly surprised that my face wasn't frozen into a disgusted, horrified expression. It took me 3 days to finish it. And I had trouble eating for those 3 days. The end was like a rewind - like it never happened? I just sat through all that and it WAS JUST A DREAM? I can't believe there's a third one coming out this year.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

 speaks for itself.

Dead Man Down: A Story of... Killing People, Mostly.

Dead Man Down (2013)

Starring Colin Farrell, Noomi Rapace, Terrence Howard

I looked up what this movie was about on several sites. Each one has a different story line. That's because they didn't really pinpoint where in the hell they were going with this. Until the end. I didn't purposely pick this as a bad movie to watch. I love Colin Farrell, so I really did think I was picking a winner. I was wrong.

Hot guy that spends quite a bit of time just gazing at people and works for some gang. Guns. Shooting. People die. Meets a girl who wants him to kill the guy that caused her accident and screwed up her face. More shooting. More dying. He's avenging his family who was killed. They kiss on a train. The End.

Needless to say, this was very disappointing. It was so erratic but not in way that keeps you glued to the screen. Not many people are like me. If it's an hour into the movie and they still have no clue what's happening or why, they're going to move on. I, being the moron I am however, stick around to the end to see if it does eventually make sense. It wrapped up the whole thing, but my God it was far too long for that.

for smart casting to get me to watch it at all.

Lifetime & Hallmark Movies: IT'S STILL ON?!

Lifetime (1984-Current) & Hallmark (2001-Current)

I know I've dedicated a page to review each horrible movie I watch. However, these channels have been playing the same movie since their creations. Lifetime since 1984 making it a record breaking 29 year and counting movie and Hallmark since a complete remodel of the channel in 2001 to whatever current date you happen to be reading this.

Here we go: Someone is sad, depressed, happy, excited, lost, found, orphaned, dead and is looking or not looking for something or someone who also happens to be sad, depressed, happy, excited, lost, found, orphaned, dead who is looking or not looking for something or someone who also happens to be sa- you get that picture, I'm sure.

Over-acting, horrible acting, someone not even trying to act and succeeding at it, talks and talks and talks. Feelings. *WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT* Talking. Cheesiness. More talking. *WHO ACTUALLY TALKS THIS MUCH ABOUT NOTHING* More feelings. *DAMN YOU* Seasons change. Christmas tree. Dramatic music. Talking. *I'M IN HELL* A kiss. Fake tears. The end. *THANK GOD* ..or is it? *SON OF A BITCH*

cause, well, I don't think I need to explain.

The Human Centipede: Ass to Mouth Connection

The Human Centipede: First Sequence

Featuring Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHY ON EARTH DID I CHOOSE THIS MONSTROSITY?

Stupid girls go inside a creepy dudes house. A girl tries to flee and falls into the guys pool. He points a gun at her. So, naturally, she goes under water to hide from him. Cause that works every time. The longest and most obvious escape goes wrong - how surprising. Eventually, people are sewn together ass to mouth by the psychotic doctor. This is such a sick piece of work.

And knowing there's not only a sequel, but a third installment coming out in 2014 just makes matters worse.

I do have one question for you - Would you rather be the giver or receiver in a human centipede?

 because this is the most disgusting and ludicrous thing I have ever subjected myself to in my life and there isn't an option of no stars.

Sharknado: Flying Killer Sharks, for realzies.

Sharknado (2013)

Starring Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard, Cassie Scerbo

What can I say? It's hard to come up with enough words to describe a disaster when thinking of this. So many talked about it. The name itself should have been reason enough to keep me from pressing play on Netflix. But, I just couldn't help myself. Sharks being swept up in tornadoes and eating people all over Los Angeles.

20 minutes later, all I wanted to do was carve my face off with a really dull, rusty butter knife. That would have been more enjoyable. I even started pacing in my living room screaming "WHY AM I STILL WATCHING?" This was 87 minutes of pure ridiculousness. 

The movie is so horrible from the acting to the plot to the graphics... I mean, come on now, Jaws came out in 1975 and looked real. I actually feel less intelligent for watching this mess.

 for making me laugh at myself.

.....They would've gotten 3 stars if the LA Lakers were eaten. Just sayin'.

The Host: Glowing Aliens Invade the Brain

The Host

(2013)

Starring Saoirse Ronan, Max Irons, Jake Abel, Diane Krueger

If you haven't watched The Host based on Stephenie Meyers book of the same name, then count your blessings that you still have those 2 hours of your life. Is the book better? I wouldn't bet my life on it being that I got to page 6 after spending FULL PRICE on it and have yet to even touch the damn thing again.

In a nutshell: Glowing alien bugs take over humans bodies making their eyes freakishly blue. One chick resists so much that her voice is echoing in the aliens head. blahblahblah something not important blahblah. What seems like 3 hours later, is actually only 15 minutes into the movie. Girl is talking to herself for an additional 1hr 45m.

The end.

because that was torture.