Dead Man Down: A Story of... Killing People, Mostly.

Dead Man Down (2013)

Starring Colin Farrell, Noomi Rapace, Terrence Howard

I looked up what this movie was about on several sites. Each one has a different story line. That's because they didn't really pinpoint where in the hell they were going with this. Until the end. I didn't purposely pick this as a bad movie to watch. I love Colin Farrell, so I really did think I was picking a winner. I was wrong.

Hot guy that spends quite a bit of time just gazing at people and works for some gang. Guns. Shooting. People die. Meets a girl who wants him to kill the guy that caused her accident and screwed up her face. More shooting. More dying. He's avenging his family who was killed. They kiss on a train. The End.

Needless to say, this was very disappointing. It was so erratic but not in way that keeps you glued to the screen. Not many people are like me. If it's an hour into the movie and they still have no clue what's happening or why, they're going to move on. I, being the moron I am however, stick around to the end to see if it does eventually make sense. It wrapped up the whole thing, but my God it was far too long for that.

for smart casting to get me to watch it at all.

Lifetime & Hallmark Movies: IT'S STILL ON?!

Lifetime (1984-Current) & Hallmark (2001-Current)

I know I've dedicated a page to review each horrible movie I watch. However, these channels have been playing the same movie since their creations. Lifetime since 1984 making it a record breaking 29 year and counting movie and Hallmark since a complete remodel of the channel in 2001 to whatever current date you happen to be reading this.

Here we go: Someone is sad, depressed, happy, excited, lost, found, orphaned, dead and is looking or not looking for something or someone who also happens to be sad, depressed, happy, excited, lost, found, orphaned, dead who is looking or not looking for something or someone who also happens to be sa- you get that picture, I'm sure.

Over-acting, horrible acting, someone not even trying to act and succeeding at it, talks and talks and talks. Feelings. *WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT* Talking. Cheesiness. More talking. *WHO ACTUALLY TALKS THIS MUCH ABOUT NOTHING* More feelings. *DAMN YOU* Seasons change. Christmas tree. Dramatic music. Talking. *I'M IN HELL* A kiss. Fake tears. The end. *THANK GOD* ..or is it? *SON OF A BITCH*

cause, well, I don't think I need to explain.

The Human Centipede: Ass to Mouth Connection

The Human Centipede: First Sequence

Featuring Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHY ON EARTH DID I CHOOSE THIS MONSTROSITY?

Stupid girls go inside a creepy dudes house. A girl tries to flee and falls into the guys pool. He points a gun at her. So, naturally, she goes under water to hide from him. Cause that works every time. The longest and most obvious escape goes wrong - how surprising. Eventually, people are sewn together ass to mouth by the psychotic doctor. This is such a sick piece of work.

And knowing there's not only a sequel, but a third installment coming out in 2014 just makes matters worse.

I do have one question for you - Would you rather be the giver or receiver in a human centipede?

 because this is the most disgusting and ludicrous thing I have ever subjected myself to in my life and there isn't an option of no stars.

Sharknado: Flying Killer Sharks, for realzies.

Sharknado (2013)

Starring Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard, Cassie Scerbo

What can I say? It's hard to come up with enough words to describe a disaster when thinking of this. So many talked about it. The name itself should have been reason enough to keep me from pressing play on Netflix. But, I just couldn't help myself. Sharks being swept up in tornadoes and eating people all over Los Angeles.

20 minutes later, all I wanted to do was carve my face off with a really dull, rusty butter knife. That would have been more enjoyable. I even started pacing in my living room screaming "WHY AM I STILL WATCHING?" This was 87 minutes of pure ridiculousness. 

The movie is so horrible from the acting to the plot to the graphics... I mean, come on now, Jaws came out in 1975 and looked real. I actually feel less intelligent for watching this mess.

 for making me laugh at myself.

.....They would've gotten 3 stars if the LA Lakers were eaten. Just sayin'.

The Host: Glowing Aliens Invade the Brain

The Host

(2013)

Starring Saoirse Ronan, Max Irons, Jake Abel, Diane Krueger

If you haven't watched The Host based on Stephenie Meyers book of the same name, then count your blessings that you still have those 2 hours of your life. Is the book better? I wouldn't bet my life on it being that I got to page 6 after spending FULL PRICE on it and have yet to even touch the damn thing again.

In a nutshell: Glowing alien bugs take over humans bodies making their eyes freakishly blue. One chick resists so much that her voice is echoing in the aliens head. blahblahblah something not important blahblah. What seems like 3 hours later, is actually only 15 minutes into the movie. Girl is talking to herself for an additional 1hr 45m.

The end.

because that was torture.