The Human Centipede: Ass to Mouth Connection

The Human Centipede: First Sequence

Featuring Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHY ON EARTH DID I CHOOSE THIS MONSTROSITY?

Stupid girls go inside a creepy dudes house. A girl tries to flee and falls into the guys pool. He points a gun at her. So, naturally, she goes under water to hide from him. Cause that works every time. The longest and most obvious escape goes wrong - how surprising. Eventually, people are sewn together ass to mouth by the psychotic doctor. This is such a sick piece of work.

And knowing there's not only a sequel, but a third installment coming out in 2014 just makes matters worse.

I do have one question for you - Would you rather be the giver or receiver in a human centipede?

 because this is the most disgusting and ludicrous thing I have ever subjected myself to in my life and there isn't an option of no stars.

Sharknado: Flying Killer Sharks, for realzies.

Sharknado (2013)

Starring Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard, Cassie Scerbo

What can I say? It's hard to come up with enough words to describe a disaster when thinking of this. So many talked about it. The name itself should have been reason enough to keep me from pressing play on Netflix. But, I just couldn't help myself. Sharks being swept up in tornadoes and eating people all over Los Angeles.

20 minutes later, all I wanted to do was carve my face off with a really dull, rusty butter knife. That would have been more enjoyable. I even started pacing in my living room screaming "WHY AM I STILL WATCHING?" This was 87 minutes of pure ridiculousness. 

The movie is so horrible from the acting to the plot to the graphics... I mean, come on now, Jaws came out in 1975 and looked real. I actually feel less intelligent for watching this mess.

 for making me laugh at myself.

.....They would've gotten 3 stars if the LA Lakers were eaten. Just sayin'.

The Host: Glowing Aliens Invade the Brain

The Host

(2013)

Starring Saoirse Ronan, Max Irons, Jake Abel, Diane Krueger

If you haven't watched The Host based on Stephenie Meyers book of the same name, then count your blessings that you still have those 2 hours of your life. Is the book better? I wouldn't bet my life on it being that I got to page 6 after spending FULL PRICE on it and have yet to even touch the damn thing again.

In a nutshell: Glowing alien bugs take over humans bodies making their eyes freakishly blue. One chick resists so much that her voice is echoing in the aliens head. blahblahblah something not important blahblah. What seems like 3 hours later, is actually only 15 minutes into the movie. Girl is talking to herself for an additional 1hr 45m.

The end.

because that was torture.