Lockout & The Lost Remote Control

Lockout (2012)

Starring: Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace, Peter Stormare

Why I even bother pressing play anymore is beyond my comprehension. Ever start watching a movie and halfway through you say "What in the hell am I watching?" Yup. That's what happened here. 

Some ex-government agent, who was wrongly convicted of espionage against the US, has to go to outer space to rescue the president's daughter from a prison that's now being controlled by the inmates. I love science fiction. As long as it's good. And the graphics are decent. My eyes glazed over through most of it. I was planning on giving up on it all together, but I lost the remote control somehow. Almost like the universe telling me "You started this dumb blog, now follow through with your commitment to watch atrocious movies". Thanks, Universe... If I was Chuck Norris I'd punch you in the balls. I can't even think of more to say. I'm hoping I'll forget all about watching this in a few days.

Cause... cause it just is. Move along.

Tamara: Greasy Duckling

Tamara (2005)

Starring Jenna Dewan, Matthew Marsden, Katie Stuart

An unattractive Mrs. Channing Tatum is picked on by students because she wrote some article in the school paper about a team using steroids. She's made unattractive by greasing up her hair and making her slouch with clothes you find on Grandma's in the days of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Anyway, Tamara is in love with her teacher so she tries a love spell binding them together. Some jerks make like they're the teacher and lure her to a hotel room and record her in bed waiting for said teacher who is obviously not going to show. There's a struggle, she hits her head on a table and she's dead.

The group of douchebags bury her and move on. One day, Tamara shows up at school with washed hair, red lipstick, a miniskirt, and her white tee low enough to show her bra. The witchiness starts, she controlls all the people who terrorized her thanks to her dabble in witchcraft. An ear being cut off, tongue cut off, stabbed in the eyeball, one dude raping another dude... and then they all die bloody deaths.

I already spent too much time explaining this. Yes, this was a horror movie. I was horrified that I actually watched it to the end. The plot is weak at best. It was like they were trying to make a movie similar to Carrie but had no earthly clue on how to go about doing it. I... I just... just don't watch it unless you're so drunk you won't remember how you wasted your night on this tragedy the next day.

 ...because it's a scale of 1-5.

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence): It's Like the Ending of Dallas and Lost.. Only Nauseating.

The Human Centipede (Full Sequence) (2011)

Starring Laurence R. Harvey, Vivien Bridson, Bill Hutchens, and 12 people stapled together ass to mouth

Why anyone willingly signs on to do these films is beyond me. If it wasn't for this blog I wouldn't even have bothered watching this garbage. I've read others reviews and some actually think this is not a bad piece of work, but rather a deep one. I don't give a shit how much you can read into this sequel, it is sick, twisted, and quite dull at the same time.

The lead character is a little man who never speaks a word in the entire 88 minutes. He is utterly obsessed with his favorite movie, The Human Centipede (First Sequence) and takes notes so he can make a 12-person human centipede of his own. He works at a creepy garage where he shoots, blugeons, and kidnaps people to store at his warehouse.

His mother is a piece of work too. He walks in his room, turns on the light, and we catch her stabbing his bed. Shortly thereafter, he sticks her face into his pet centipedes tank and then smashes her skull in with a tire iron, sets her at the kitchen table, and eats a meal.

Frankly, it's just one thing after another. Eventually the ass to mouth starts again. Taking a hammer to one dudes mouth and knocking out his teeth was almost the last straw for my watching capabilities. But I already invested 57 minutes so...

If you thought the first one was disgusting, you'll realize that it was nothing compared to this. This sick son of a bitch doesn't even sew them ass to mouth - he uses a stable gun. He also injects each of them with a laxative and then presses their bellies so they'll start having bowel movements... and that's when the shit going everywhere happens. And I mean that literally. They were so meticulous about details that shit was splattering the camera, just bursting out the sides of their stapled mouths.

I'm truly surprised that my face wasn't frozen into a disgusted, horrified expression. It took me 3 days to finish it. And I had trouble eating for those 3 days. The end was like a rewind - like it never happened? I just sat through all that and it WAS JUST A DREAM? I can't believe there's a third one coming out this year.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

 speaks for itself.